I'm trying to learn how to say no. I'm also trying to learn how to say no without lying. I know this sounds like a simple thing... but its really hard for me.
Now before you start thinking, "Wow, who knew Sadie was compulsive liar?" Please let me shed some light on the situation.
I moved into a new neighborhood that is... let's just say, a rough part of town. From what I can gather, most of the people in my area are on public assistance. Many people are home during the day, and do not have jobs. I don't know all the circumstances of these people, but I just know that there isn't a lot of money for many of my neighbors.
There is one neighbor in particular that asks daily for one thing or another. Don't get me wrong. I like to give. I like to help others out. However, I'm trying to decide at what point I need to say "no".
It started with dish soap, then my phone (this one is several times a day), laundry soap, a gallon of milk, money (another daily one), a ride somewhere, a pot, a cigarette... there is always something.
I've decided I will let her use my phone when she asks. It doesn't cost me anything. I've decided I will not give her money. Beyond that, I still don't know what to do. I don't carry cash anymore, thus allowing me to say (in truth) that I don't have any money to give her.
I've tried not answering the door, but she is very persistent (knocking and ringing the bell several times). I start to think that maybe there is an emergency and I could be the reason why her son dies... I know, not too rational, but I'm a mom and I think of these things.
So, here cyberworld, is a question I need help answering. How do I say "no". And please, keep in mind that I am trying to reconcile the story of The Good Samaritan into this whole equation. I'm a people-pleaser... and I'm trying not lie. Let the advice roll in...
11 comments:
Move. (Sorry. I know that isn't helpful at all, but it's all I could think of.)
This really is a balance issue: sacrifice (which the Lord requires)and your ability to take care of your own family. If you can afford to buy an extra gallon of milk at the store, that could be a great blessing in her life. If you cannot, then you can, without lying, respond, "I do not have a gallon of milk I can give you". If you can help her out without sacrificing the people you really have stewardship over, then what a blessing this will become. If you cannot, perhaps you can find some way to "teach her to fish". Maybe share some recipes that are pretty cheap, or use ingredients she has on hand.
Finally, there is one more thing to balance: don't become an enabler. This is the scariest one, b/c it becomes TOO easy to judge her as a mooch who won't try anything harder than ringing your bell. I choose to err on the side of giving the benefit of the doubt, b/c "inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me".
I'm almost done--I promise. I have only to say this. It also becomes easy to say that, since the Lord requires sacrifice and this is how we are really treating Him, we must give without asking and without assessment. Not so. The Lord, while commanding us to "turn the other cheek" never intended for us to let ourselves be walked all over. So, it is simply a balance issue. Think of these factors, and let the Holy Spirit guide. Good luck! And sometime remind me to tell you about our hitchhiker--funny and similar to your plight :).
Well, it looks like Elise just about covered it! :)
I might add something.
You are the only white girl on the block, thus making you an easy target. And, you are way too nice for a neighborhood of mooches. Given that they are on government assistance--they get PLENTY of milk and free food--so don't feel guilty not giving away the milk you work hard for. The rest of the neighborhood will quickly learn of your generosity if you continue as is.
I agree with Dwayne-move. And try to not be at home when you know the beggers come around :)
As a young girl visiting my older, wiser brother who lives in NYC he would always tell me--don't make eye contact with the beggers. I thought he was heartless and cold. Then, I learned why.
The church has a perfect system in place where we give fast offerings. We are encouraged to use this method of donation.
And hey--why not give her a free Book of Mormon? She might like that! :)
Thanks for this blog post, it's really made me giggle. Did you loan her a cigarette? ;)
I don't think I can offer you advice beyond the great comments you've gotten. If I were in your position I'd probably scowl at her.
Maybe, I would give her a few chances to give back: ask her for a cup of sugar or whatnot. Her reaction may help you figure out the right balance for the future. I imagine it will still be hard to say no, or to know when to say yes. Good luck!
ok so i had some "great" advice for you and then i read the other comments. now mine doesnt sound that great... but i'll give it anyway.
if you cant say no, make scott do it. i was in a similar situation with a girl that kept dumping her kids off on me. long story short, i havent had to babysit again.
in my defense regarding what elise said, if i'm tending someone else's children it's awfully hard for me to carry on my usual routine and go about my business as mother and wife. my children should not have to feel neglected simply because i couldnt tell someone that NO i wont watch your kids.
the end.
Say: " I can't give that to you today." You are not being a liar. Explain nothing and you may have to repeat it each time they ask. Take care of your family.
Wow, that is super hard. I wish I had some good advice, but that is a new one.
I also agree with Dwayne, move. :) Keep praying about it, you will know what to do.
I totally agree with Elise's and Michelle's great advise! Just listen to the spirit and do what you can and don't feel guilty that you can't do everything.
But I have a hard time say no too, so I would probably do the same as Sandee, and have Brian say no for me (in fact he has before). :)
Donell
I don't know if you'll get around to reading this comment since there are already lots of others with great advice, but having served a mission here in TX (in some very rough/low-income areas) and now having lived her for 3+ years I'd say watch out! Play it cautious and safe...think of your family first. She may just seem a moocher, but there is also a chance she may share too much information about your house/circumstaces/kindness...which could lead to an unsavory friend/boyfriend paying you an unwelcome visit...stealing from you and perhaps even endangering you or your children personally.
Anyhow...that's my two cents.
Love, Katie
My brother lived in a bad part of Mesa and a lady came and asked him for this and that and had a story for him. After giving her everything she asked for including money, using the phone, etc. She asked him to take her somewhere. So he did and then she asked him to take her somewhere else and he did again. That went on for about four different houses. She went in for a minute and then came out. It finally stopped when the whole house and car was surrounded with police officers. My brother was just trying to be nice and help someone out and he ended up assisting a drug dealer. After telling the police officers the story and then calling his wife and asking her they finally just figured he was an EXTREMELY naive guy.
Katie does have a good point, be careful.
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